Bad "Advice"

Today I digress a bit from my Charlie focus, but it has to be done.  Judgment, disguised as good-natured "advice," is driving me crazy.  I am sick and tired of friends, family members and strangers feeling not only the desire, but also the right to attack the choices made by other moms.

I have a number of mom friends who are experiencing major transitions in their lives right now:  moves, promotions, quitting work to stay home, expecting second children, etc.  Fortunately, most if not all of them are excited about their opportunities, but as with any significant change, there is stress involved.  What amazes me is that almost all of them have been the recipients of judgmental and even spiteful "advice" from people they trust.

The decision to work outside the home or to be a stay at home mom is a huge one for most families.  Even those of us who are financially dependent on two incomes put in hours, if not days or weeks of thought and analysis regarding whether or not to go back to work, continue working or stay at home.  No one that I know has made this decision lightly or without some misgivings.

So why is it that other people feel free to judge our decisions based on their personal situations, lifestyles, values and opinions?  Why is it that anyone ranging from a  close relative to a complete stranger feels that he or she has the right to tell us what is best for our children?

Due to my unusual work arrangement, I fall on both sides of the "stay at home" vs. "go to work" argument.  I am home all day, but Charlie goes to daycare for about 6 to 7 hours so I can do my work and keep my job.  Jason and I are incredibly grateful for our situation, because I am well paid for a job that is easily handled between 8 and 5, requires minimal travel and has virtually no stress.  Plus, if I get my daily work done in less than 8 hours, I can go get Charlie early -- and he's only 7 minutes away. 

Despite our satisfaction with our circumstances, Jason and I have been faced with outright and veiled judgment from both ends of the spectrum.  Explaining to coworkers why I not only accepted, but campaigned for a significant pay cut and relative free-fall down the corporate ladder is like explaining the theory of relativity to Charlie.  At the same time, the idea that a nice home, money for private school, and a dream to charter fish make sending Charlie to daycare our personal choice disgusts some people.

I realize that you can't please everyone, but what I don't understand is why we are even put in the position to worry about it. 

Since Jason and I are currently content with our situation, money is going into savings and Charlie loves his new daycare, this issue has been on the back burner for us, but a recent discussion with a friend of mine brought it right up front again.

This friend is an amazing mother who battled through tragedy and loss to bring her precious daughter into the world.  She and her husband adore their little girl and want only the best for her -- like all good parents.  Right now my friend is  facing an exciting career opportunity, but when I spoke with her she was almost in tears due to the unsolicited opinions and pressure from people around her.  The ironic thing is that just this week another girlfriend of mine was given the opportunity to fulfill her longtime dream of staying home, but she too is facing doubts due to comments from others. 

In my opinion all of these "well-meaning" advisers need to shut their mouths and take a look at their motivation.  I believe that if they searched their hearts they would find that their overwhelming need to persuade others is based on misgivings concerning their own decisions. 

Perhaps they work outside the home (or did so when their children were small) and feel like they are missing out or putting material possessions ahead of their family.  Perhaps they stay at home (or did way back when) and worry that they will have nothing to contribute to society when their children become independent.  Maybe they just hate their jobs or feel guilty for not enjoying play group.  I don't know what all the reasons may be, but I am confident that most of these people are driven by the need to justify their own choices and situations rather than an innate knowledge of what is best for another family.

Now, all families with two parents working outside of the home must find safe, reliable childcare and should definitely strive to spend as much time as possible playing and laughing and loving with their kids.  Just as all stay at home moms need to seek out social and creative opportunities for their children so they can develop friendships and a respect for structure and non-parental authority.  And obviously, should anyone have reason to believe that a child is being abused or neglected, he or she should step in to offer assistance or possibly even bring in the authorities.  Otherwise, isn't it the role of relatives, friends and neighbors to support each other?

Now, how do I justify such a resolute opinion on the subject, when I'm criticising others for their firm stances?  Proverbs 31:10-31. 

Here God outlines the responsibilities, attributes and character of a wise woman.  She does what it takes, whether it be in the home (vv. 15, 18-19) or out of the home (vv. 16, 24), to provide for her husband, her children and the needy.

She does not offer up unsolicited, mean-spirited advice to others, but "opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" (v. 27).  Because of this, she is blessed by her husband and her children (vv. 28 - 29) and to God, "her worth is far above jewels" (v. 10).

Charlie rocking his first tattoo!

(if that's not a situation begging for "advice", I don't know what is!)