It's hard to believe it's been almost 3 years. Three crazy years of hopes, emotions, changes and finally a tenuous acceptance of the fact that we might never be parents.
I finally went to the doctor again on July 3 to start figuring out what's "wrong" so we could decide what, if anything, to do. I returned on July 16 for an ultrasound that showed a cyst on each of my ovaries and thick, uneven endometrial lining in my uterus.
My next appointment is this Thursday, July 31 to discuss options, next steps, but plans have changed. After almost 3 years of waiting, hoping, wondering & doubting, I'm pregnant!
I've been feeling odd for a couple weeks: exhausted, extreme sensitivity/pain in my breasts, hyper-emotional (specifically unwilling to put up with any drama). On top of that I spotted on July 6, but never had a complete period. So, by today I had myself fairly well convinced I'm pregnant.
I was thoroughly enjoying the daydream, but realized that with Matt & Erin and Richard & Debbie coming to town this Wednesday, I needed to disillusion myself now and get over the disappointment today while Jason's fishing...rather than be an emotional wreck when they're here.
During Otis' walk, I completely psyched myself up to accept the negative test results and think positively about all the options ahead of us -- including possible future pregnancy.
So, I pulled out an ancient test from some hopeful month, took it and stared at the alarm clock from 8:09 to 8:11 preparing to come downstairs and fix oatmeal and get on with my day. But the test was glaringly positive!
I quadruple checked the instructions, burst into tears and took a picture of the test with my phone.
I know this is just the start of a long road and anything can happen, but I'm going to focus on hope, prayer and Jason's and my love for each other. I'm so excited to tell him.
When he gets home tonight I'm going to give him a present and tell him that despite the fact that he's not a reader, I got him this book so he can better understand me as a woman, my emotions and what I go through. It should be hilarious. The book is actually "What Every Expectant Father Should Know" which I bought for him August 21, 2005.
There are no guarantees in life, but for right now I am carrying Jason's baby. I think it's a little girl -- hopefully time will tell.
P.S. No oatmeal today. Pregnancy definitely justifies pizza for breakfast!!!
Swamp
I almost can't believe how cautious my joy was back then...though I suppose that given the circumstances it makes sense. I clearly had no idea just how fabulous pregnancy, motherhood and Charlie would be.
ReplyDeleteI realize that I did leave out the fact that for weeks leading up to this journal entry I had been praying to God that if He were planning to give us a baby that He please do it that month, so we didn't have to make a choice of how far we would or more likely wouldn't go with fertility treatments. True, not the best motivation for a prayer, but He answered it nonetheless.