To Wean or Not To Wean?

Ok...so that's not really the question.  In order to avoid future psychological trauma, we are of course weaning Charlie, and Jason and I decided that one year was our target.  Basically, that got us cleanly through the first 6 months when breast milk is so valuable and also put us in a position to never have to introduce (aka pay for) formula.

So, here we are.  Due to our recent trip to Texas, we should actually complete the process at about a year and two weeks -- multiple articles suggested avoiding weaning over a vacation.

I guess the real question is who are we really weaning here, me or Charlie?  It sounds crazy, but I think he's actually taking the change better than I am.  We're down to just two feedings a day (morning and night), and he seems entirely unphased, while I am crabby, verging on despondent, about the whole thing.

Now, there are some very practical reasons for me to dread giving up nursing.  I am:

• Losing the opportunity to cuddle Charlie multiple times a day -- with a non-cuddly baby, these 15 minute windows of snuggle time are priceless.
• Losing the excuse to sit down and read an actual magazine or book for 15 minutes twice a day while I pump for his daily bottle at Donna's -- I'm not sure I"ll be able to justify these breaks otherwise.  I'll probably just push through my spreadsheets so I can get more done during the day.
• Losing a free 500 calories a day! -- for anyone who has been on a diet since she was 8 years old then miraculously has seen 45+ pounds melt away over the past year, this is terrifying!
• Losing my status as "sustainer of life" for my son -- and yes, I realize that Charlie has been getting far more calories and nutrition from food than from me for the past 6 months, but it is hard to accept that I am no longer able to provide him something that no one else can.

The bottom line?  I'm throwing a pity party, I suppose.  I partially justify my grief by the fact that we had such a rough start.  A year ago Sunday, at 5 days old, Charlie went on two successive hunger strikes lasting about 12 hours each. 

I was determined to breastfeed, so the realization that my brand new baby either could not or would not nurse threw me into a tailspin.  Layer lack of sleep on post-partum hormonal wackiness on new parent anxiety, and I was laying in bed crying about my failure as a mother.  Thankfully Jason and Debbie, along with my beloved pump, got us through the weekend, and we found a lactation consultant on Monday who straightened everything out. 

Once Charlie was eating, though, we still had to get through the physical traumas of the first few weeks of nursing -- but don't worry, I won't go into detail in case any grandpas or uncles are reading.  Needless to say, though, it was not easy.

But as hokey as it sounds, all of that trauma (and that's not an exaggeration) was completely overshadowed by the bonding and pride that nursing provided.  I reveled in being the one to get up in the middle of the night and the one that was able to quiet Charlie's cries when nothing and no one else could.  And let me remind you that I haven't been on the treadmill since months before Charlie was born!

Maybe it's just the triple whammy of weaning with the first birthday with walking, but I feel like I'm losing my baby.  An equally precious and fun little boy is taking his place, but I miss baby-Charlie.  I guess I want both -- which brings me to a better understanding of why so many siblings are about two years apart. I can't imagine that I'm alone in my nostalgia for milk breath, squeaky cries and newborn onesies as Charlie transforms from a baby to a toddler.  I'm willing to bet that a lot of husbands are pleasantly surprised by their wives' renewed attentions around one year.

And no, Mom and Debbie, there is no news or announcement that this is not-so-subtly hiding.  And to be honest, based on the fact that Charlie was 3 1/2 years behind my so carefully planned schedule, I certainly wouldn't want to get anyone's hopes up.  Nevertheless, I wouldn't change a thing about how things went, so I suppose I need to just relax and see what happens...  On the bright side, I get to go pick him up in 3 hours and 10 minutes...