Five years ago this week Jason and I lost our first baby. That may seem like something of a stretch since we only knew we were pregnant for three days, but as anyone who has expected a child can tell you, it is possible to fall head over heels in love and change all of your dreams and plans for the future in three minutes, much less three days.
The loss was more painful and bitter than anything I had ever experienced before or have since. I felt completely broken. My silly pride convinced me that I had to move on with my chin up -- after all, it truly seems that most women experience at least on miscarriage, so I would be fine, right?
I tried so hard to be strong that I put up walls between myself and God and myself and Jason. Obviously, I understand that God welcomed me back with open arms -- He is endlessly patient and loving. What still amazes me, though, is that 9 months later when I was finally ready to admit that my hopes were shattered and my feelings of self-worth as a woman were crushed, Jason's arms were also open wide. In fact, they both had been gently holding the pieces until I was ready for help putting them back together.
While the five year anniversary of our loss is part of the reason it's on my mind, to be honest we have fully recovered, and amazingly enough, we were there long before we knew Charlie was on the way. It took months and months of looking at our lives, our marriage, our faith in God and our purpose in life, but Jason and I were actually ready to be a family of two. We were excited about our move to South Carolina and the opportunity to start a business and have adventures. We were content with being childless.
Obviously, Charlie spun everything around, threw it up in the air and made it so much better. He is our constant delight and a living, breathing image of joy. We definitely could have been happy just the two of us, but we are so much happier with Charlie in our lives.
So, why am I dwelling in the past this week if we are so happy with the present? Because we're also thinking about the future, and it scares me.
We actually started "trying" again back in January, and it's now seven months later with nothing to show for it. I'm not sure I want to deal with the roller coaster ride of trying, hoping, nothing, trying, hoping, nothing, etc, etc until finally giving up. (As family on both sides can attest, I am not a fan of roller coasters!)
Or worse yet, to face another loss. I don't think I'd break this time. The experience five years ago taught me that Jason and God will hold me together with all the support and love and strength I need no matter what happens. Plus, we have Charlie now to light up our days...but what if?
I realize that this all sounds ridiculously pessimistic, especially when I am surrounded by pictures of my Charlie throughout my study...but I sometimes just can't imagine that God could possibly choose to heap such amazing blessings on us again.
I wish I could say that I'm content with whatever happens, but I so dearly want Charlie to have a sibling...and to be honest, I find myself daydreaming about a big round belly, that pregnant glow, the excitement of anticipation and the wonder of a brand new baby. And while I struggle with the idea that we could love another child as much as Charlie, all of my friends with multiple children assure me it's not only possible, but assured.
I guess this week I'm just finding myself remembering, loving, hoping and fearing...I guess this week I just need to focus on my faith and my blessings. I survived the Legoland Technic Coaster by squeezing Jason's hand and praying, and afterwards I got to give Charlie a hug and spin him in the air. If it worked then, there's no reason it can't work now.
