Charlie and Jason surprised me with a stepping stone of Charlie's footprints (it was supposed to be handprints, but apparently Charlie kept grabbing handsful of the cement, so Jason switched to feet) and a beautiful aquamarine ring (Charlie's birthstone). We spent the whole day together starting with church, followed by lunch at Bambu, and on to an afternoon of swinging, climbing, and walking the pier at Mt. Pleasant's Waterfront Park. Finally, Charlie passed out in the truck while Jason and I drove around dreaming about the houses on the water in old Mt. P. It was fabulous!
I am sure that all mothers feel honored and blessed to be entrusted with the lives of their precious little ones, and for those of us blessed with the chance to carry those little people through pregnancy, it is overwhelmingly amazing. Not to discount the experience for all mothers out there, but I believe that those of us that struggled and even gave up on having children may cherish the experience even a little bit more. Every single day when I look at Charlie I realize that he is a miracle that I don't deserve and that each smile, laugh and hug is a blessing that I thought I would never have.
Yesterday our Pastor did a special Mother's Day sermon on Hannah, the mother of Samuel. It surprised me that after growing up in a Bible church and spending 3 1/2 years trying and failing to conceive a baby, that I had never spent more time on Hannah's story. I suppose that prior to finding out we were having a baby I couldn't relate, because Hannah received her miracle and I had come to accept that I would not.
Looking back now, though, I feel extraordinarily honored to have experienced an incident so similar to Biblical history. Both Hannah and I were truly in love with our husbands, but unable to bear children for years, and we both suffered: she from general and specific persecution, and I from the real and imagined pity of those around me. Though both of our husbands loved us dearly, neither of them could understand the full depths of our feelings of uselessness and lack of self worth that we were failing in our womanly duty. Now, my fabulous husband did not feel the need to take a second wife, nor did my society find me worthless, as hers did. -- so obviously I didn't have near the struggle as Hannah.
Each of us managed to maintain our faith in God and his sovereignty, despite our doubts about his plan, and each of our hopes and prayers came to a final culmination. Hannah, at her wits end, prayed to God for a son and promised to dedicate him to God should her prayers be answered. I, ready to give up on parenthood entirely, prayed that God would bless us with a child in advance of my July 30 "fertility" appointment, so that Jason and I wouldn't have to go down that path.
What my pastor pointed out yesterday that struck me is that we both prayed specifically (almost in ultimatum style), and we both prayed with full faith that God could and would answer our prayers -- which after years and years of praying for a child is somewhat startling.
And amazingly, both Hannah's and my prayers were answered. She had Samuel, and on July 26, 2008, I found out that I was pregnant with the future Charles Patrick.
Now, I am in no way proclaiming to have faith as strong as Hannah's. Hannah offered up the one thing that she wanted most in the world, her son, and followed through by sending him away at age 3 to be raised and devoted to God. All I offered to God was my insistance on believing that I was in control of my life, and while I definitely learned that lesson, I cannot claim that I don't frequently try to assert my will or convince God that my way is the way things should be done. Plus, as grateful as I am for the blessing of my son and as much as I hope that he will grow up devoted to God, I am not strong enough to send him away at age 3 -- thankfully that is no longer something people do!
Jason kept laughing at me yesterday morning, because I couldn't stop crying during Darien's sermon. Obviously, my tears were not of sorrow, but they weren't of joy really, either. I have never felt more humbled, more blessed or more thankful than I did when I realized that I experienced a trial, a blessing and a miracle parallel to a Biblical truth.
Motherhood is one of my primary purposes in life, and even though I went through a period of doubt and fear, God blessed me with the faith that he could and would fulfill my lifelong dream and purposes. God blessed me with Charlie.
"For this boy I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him. So I have also dedicated him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the Lord."
I Samuel 1:27-28
Just shared some Chocolate Covered Strawberries
Boogying down on the Shagging Floor on the Pier
Scoping out Fishing Spots with Dad
