September 18, 2008

It's been quite a while since I've written to you.  It's not that I haven't been thinking of you -- the opposite in fact. 

In the midst of some local business travel, a trip to Atlanta to see cousin Mikey and a week long visit by Aunt Ashley and Uncle Stephen, we've started checking out daycares, told my work and decided on your nursery furniture.  All the while you've been growing by leaps and bounds. 

We heard your heartbeat last Friday.  It was so exciting to know you're doing well.  Tomorrow you will be 14 weeks.  You are about the size of my fist and you are getting hair -- brown or red I wonder?

We've also been telling all of our friends.  Everyone is extremely happy for us and excited to meet you.

Also, Mommy isn't feeling so tired or nauseated as I was for a while, which is making Daddy's life a lot better!  I am rapidly expanding though -- just not all in my stomach due to yoru healthy appetitie.  So far you love chicken nuggets, cheerios, salads and fig newtons.  You're not very interested in sweets, which is keeping us both healthier.

12 weeks

August 27, 2008

Baby, I have to tell you that I'm sorry and disappointed in myself and in Daddy.  We had wonderful intentions when we first got married.  We lived off Daddy's paycheck and banked mine, but this didn't last very long.  We gradually started to spend more on vacations, the truck, dinners, etc and to save less for you.

I wish I could say we saved reliably until we'd given up hope of you, but we didn't.  Then we moved to Charleston and bought a house that we definitely can't afford on one paycheck.  We told ourselves that we bought it because it was large enough for a family to grow, but we really just loved it.  The result of all of this materialism is that I am going to have to work and send you to daycare.

I'm hoping to find another job from home that requires minimal travel, so that at least we'll have some flexibility.  I know that God will work everything out, but I also know that Daddy and I have to accept the outcome of our lifestyle.  I'm hopeful that we'll get much better, start to save, and learn to live on less so that I can quit when the boat is paid off, but until then, I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry for the cold you'll get, for surrounding you with strangers and for the regiment we'll force on you so young.  I'm sorry for not planning better.

August 26, 2008

Today is the day I'm going to tell my boss about you.  He and I have struggled to communicate since I took this job in April of last year. 

He's a very unusual man.  I have no idea how he'll respond.  Ideally he'll be supportive and help me find a new position that requires much less travel than my current job.  I'm not convinced that will happen though.

Bottom line: I cannot travel beyond SC after the new year.  I cannot travel beyond Charleston after February 1.  I will not continue to be gone 8 plus times per year for three to four days each after you're born.  We'll see how it goes...

August 25, 2008

Otis.  By the time you read this you are going to know and love Otis well.  Nevertheless, right now Daddy and I are somewhat concerned about how Otis is going to take it when you are born.

For the past 3 1/2 years Otis has been our baby.  We never had any intention of getting a dog, and I'm actually allergic to dogs and cats, but the night we walked into a petstore back in KC in late 2004, it was love at first sight.

Daddy and I have been through and done so much, and through it all Otis has been a constant source of love and companionship for us.  I call him my little angel.

Now, I know that Otis will grow to love and adore you, but I'm not sure how long it will take.  I imagine the first few days/weeks of your life will be a challenge for him, but eventually I'm sure you will be the very best of friends.

August 18, 2008

I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting to fly to Pennsylvania to be present when my company president visits.  I have no real purpose at the meetings other than to represent Business Markets. 

In another week or so I'm going to tell my boss about you and let him know that I won't be available to travel after the new year.  Since my current job requires so much travel, I'm hoping to find something else that requires none. 

Ideally I'll find another job based at home that might even allow me to work just three days a week.  I definitely don't want you in full-time daycare.

I had hoped to quit altogether, but Daddy and I want to send you to Pinewood since the Knightsville school has had some issues.  Plus, I still want Daddy to follow his fishing dream.

I've been praying about it a lot and I know everything will work out.  You are our top priority.

August 17, 2008

So, you may be wondering how it feels to be pregnant with you.  Well, it's definitely like nothing I've ever experienced before in my life. 

Emotionally and mentally it's exciting, scary, fascinating and incredibly fulfilling.  In some ways I feel like this is the primary reason I was put on this earth and that I'm finally reaching my potential.  In other ways I'm absolutely terrified that you won't be happy or healthy or that we won't get along or that Daddy and I aren't up for the challenge. 

I know without a doubt that God wouldn't provide us any challenges in life that we can't overcome with His strength and that our overwhelming love for you will make us even better parents, but it's still scary.

As for physical symptoms:

• Week 5: Exhaustion started to strike and sore breasts
• Week 6: Positive test and disbelief, still tired
• Week 7: Nausea off & on and cravings for water, peanut butter and protein, still tired
• Week 8: Nausea gre worse, but still not sick
• Week 9: Noticing weight gain, starting to react to smells, particularly sweet or floral. Still tired and nauseated.

I truly have no idea what to expect next!!

August 13, 2008

Daddy bought your crib bedding today.  Yes, it's a little bit ahead of schedule, but you'll come to learn that's very like me.  Since we're not finding out your sex, I've been looking at all of the "neutral" options and haven't found much that didn't seem too bright, too busy, too cute or too cheesy.

I found a solid green, ultra-soft set online, and when Daddy and I took our first trip to Babies R Us it was on clearance for half off!  So even though it's early, we decided to go for it.  I hope you like it!

August 12, 2008

We wonder so much who you'll be!  The summer Olympics are on, and it has opened my mind to all the opportunities and choices ahead of you.  It's exciting and kind of intimidating.

Daddy and I want so badly to set you up to confidently make strong, well thought-out, hopeful decisions.  That's a pretty big task.

We just want so badly for you to be happy and healthy -- I promise we'll try to remember that when the time comes for you to make decisions on your own.

August 8, 2008

I'm going to start doing much better at keeping this journal.  It's been a crazy two weeks.  I didn't get to tell Daddy the news until Sunday morning because Chad came back with him from fishing, and we had people here until midnight.  But when I did tell him, he was shocked and thrilled just like I was.

He was extremely cautious about getting our hopes up, so we were pretty low key through the week until my doctor's appointment on Thursday.  Casey, the PRN, was overjoyed for me, and Dr. Keller said it must have been the shortest fertility treatment in history. 

Based on our history, I convinced Dr. Keller to send me over for an ultrasound.  Daddy met me and we got to see you (at a meer 6.6 cm!) and your little heartbeat -- Daddy saw it first.  We were overjoyed, but still pretty shocked.

Right away we called Grandma & Grandpa from the parking lot.  They were both having crummy weeks at work, but the news turned everything around!

By chance BaBa and PaPa along with Uncle Matt, Aunt Erin, Tyler & Elizabeth were all in town, so we got to tell them that night over dinner.  Everyone is extremely happy and excited.

Over the next few days symptoms really started kicking in.  The key ones so far are:

• I get tired very easily and often
• Hunger strikes quickly and hard, creating almost critical needs for food
• Peanut Butter is the perfect food
• Sweets don't sound good at all
• I have to use the restroom very frequently -- but this may have more to do with my sudden desire to drink enormous amounts of water
• I'm not getting sick, but I do feel generally nauseated about 50% of the time

It's all quite fascinating.  I really had no idea how much would be going on already.

As of today we're at 8 weeks and you are roughly the size of a kidney bean.  You have ears and eyes and hands and your spine is starting to straighten out.

Last night Daddy and I bought a baby name book to try to figure out what we're going to call you.  It's an important decision and we'll try to do a good job!

July 26, 2008

It's hard to believe it's been almost 3 years.  Three crazy years of hopes, emotions, changes and finally a tenuous acceptance of the fact that we might never be parents.

I finally went to the doctor again on July 3 to start figuring out what's "wrong" so we could decide what, if anything, to do.  I returned on July 16 for an ultrasound that showed a cyst on each of my ovaries and thick, uneven endometrial lining in my uterus. 

My next appointment is this Thursday, July 31 to discuss options, next steps, but plans have changed.  After almost 3 years of waiting, hoping, wondering & doubting, I'm pregnant!

I've been feeling odd for a couple weeks: exhausted, extreme sensitivity/pain in my breasts, hyper-emotional (specifically unwilling to put up with any drama).  On top of that I spotted on July 6, but never had a complete period.  So, by today I had myself fairly well convinced I'm pregnant.

I was thoroughly enjoying the daydream, but realized that with Matt & Erin and Richard & Debbie coming to town this Wednesday, I needed to disillusion myself now and get over the disappointment today while Jason's fishing...rather than be an emotional wreck when they're here.

During Otis' walk, I completely psyched myself up to accept the negative test results and think positively about all the options ahead of us -- including possible future pregnancy.

So, I pulled out an ancient test from some hopeful month, took it and stared at the alarm clock from 8:09 to 8:11 preparing to come downstairs and fix oatmeal and get on with my day.  But the test was glaringly positive!

I quadruple checked the instructions, burst into tears and took a picture of the test with my phone.

I know this is just the start of a long road and anything can happen, but I'm going to focus on hope, prayer and Jason's and my love for each other.  I'm so excited to tell him.

When he gets home tonight I'm going to give him a present and tell him that despite the fact that he's not a reader, I got him this book so he can better understand me as a woman, my emotions and what I go through.  It should be hilarious.  The book is actually "What Every Expectant Father Should Know" which I bought for him August 21, 2005.

There are no guarantees in life, but for right now I am carrying Jason's baby.  I think it's a little girl -- hopefully time will tell.

P.S. No oatmeal today.  Pregnancy definitely justifies pizza for breakfast!!!